I Know A Love

In the dark and lonely hours, I listen for your voice to calm my fears. As I stare into the quietness, My heart beating alone is all I hear. But I know that you are near me. Even when I cannot hear you. We are never far apart, You are here within my heart. And the love that you have given, Is all I'll ever need to make it through. I put my hope and trust in You. In the times of endless questions, There is only one truth I need to know. That its your love that surrounds me. A love that will not ever let me go. And I know that you are faithful. When in human eyes its hopeless. So I cling to you alone. And you make your presence known. And so tenderly you hold me. You remind me that this love I've found is true. I will trust alone in you. I know a love, that loves beyond all limits. I know a God, whose arm is strong to save. I know a grace whose power is all sufficient. And that the blood of Christ can wash away each stain. I know a love. So when the darkness comes. It won't overwhelm my soul. My hope is in my God and this I know. I know a love, that loves beyond all limits. I know a God, whose arm is strong to save. I know a grace whose power is all sufficient. And that the blood of Christ can wash away each stain. And there is a God who never changes. And there is a love, faithful and true. I know the power of His spirit works within me. And there is nothing that my God cannot do. I know a love.
I know a love....

I wish I knew exactly how to start what I need to write. I have started this post 50 times hoping it will all just flow, and it isn't. So, I don't know what I am about to say. So, bear with me as my thoughts and the words I write may be jumbled. Karlee has been officially diagnosed as severe Reactive Attachment Disorder. We underwent 4 hours of evaluations this week along with a 2 hour therapy session this morning. The behaviors we have witnessed are quite serious. For those reading this who are unfamiliar with RAD, it is caused by a trauma- neglect, abandonment, etc. that occurs within the first few weeks of life. Due to this, these children do not develop trust- they actually view the world as bad and themselves as unlovable. And they will do everything they know to keep someone from loving them. What makes RAD so serious is the fact that without intervention these children do not develop a conscious. They have no remorse for anything wrong they do. Because of Karlee's beginnings, she has not attached to us. She does not trust us and does not want to accept our love. For two years we allowed ourselves to believe that she was simply defiant and strong-willed and that we were obviously not successful as her parents. We have felt like failures when it came to raising Karlee. Now, I am not saying we haven't had good moments- we have- this blog is full of them, but the negative far outweighed the positive. We began to look at some possibilities and over the past few months, Karlee's symptoms have not only increased but intensified as well.

We are broken hearted that our little girl - so little feels so much anger and confusion in her little soul. And yet, we are hopeful because now we can move forward. Now, we have a plan. And now, we can begin to heal this little one's sweet heart.

I have pondered and pondered on how personal to get with this. I have decided to pretty much get just that- in hopes that it will be used to encourage someone else and who knows- this "journal" may turn into something more one day, so this is where many thoughts will go. This has become quite a spiritual experience for lack of a better word. But God did something big in my heart two weeks ago. He has given me an outpouring of love for this child - now let me explain. I have loved her since before she was born. And after we got her, I have loved her all the more. But, its been a commitment love, not warm-fuzzy kind of love. I have felt like someone always on guard ready for the attack as I am seen as the enemy. But, two weeks ago, I began to love her like a mommy- I began feeling truly like her mommy- crazy in love with a little girl that God intended from the beginning to be ours. Two weeks ago, I left my house to get Kalie at dance and left early- it had been one more day and I could tell that I wasn't going to make it much longer. Well, before I got out of the driveway I began weeping and screaming in the car- so much pain burried inside all came out at one time! I informed God that I didn't know how we were going to help her and that it just seemed to me that she was a miserable angry child who wanted everyone to be just as miserable. And as if He were sitting there, He said- and how does she see you? I outwardly replied well, as flat, not mean but emotionless. But God, that's not me. This isn't the kind of mommy I am. I love to be a mommy. I love to have fun and cuddle and take care of my girls. She won't let me be that way with her- this isn't the real me. To which he replied, And this isn't the real her." Now, let me stop right here and just assure everyone that these moments do NOT happen frequently. When they do, God knows He has to do something major to get my attention and that what He has to say is serious. I also told him that night in my cries that I had nothing left- I was spent, but that all I wanted was to be able to give her the love I have had bottled up for her. Friday morning, I literally made conscious efforts to not sound so emotionless when I spoke to her. It became easier and easier. God continued to use stories and friends to show me the vitalness of love being the foundation. I can now say, that I love her at her lowest, and truly okay getting nothing in return. I have wanted so much to be able to lay the guard down during the lowest part of Karlee's life and to unselfishlessly love her like only God could do. He has answered my prayers for that. Oh how grateful I am. Many times I am sad to say over the past two years I have questioned God on this. Why? Why ? WHY??? Why a child who will not accept our love when we have so much to give? We fought so hard to get her and just seemed to continue to fight never accomplishing anything. And yet every time, and let me say again- EVERY time, I asked why, I knew that I knew that I KNEW God intended for Karlee to be our daughter. I never could get past that. Now I see. There is truly a God size purpose and plan. He chose our family to help this precious child. Now, I ask WHY??? WHY???? Why would you entrust us with such a task? I wish I could describe how humbled I am. And you know- I am GLAD that this is God-sized, because no one can ever give any praise to anyone except HIM! Now having seen the plan and purpose and getting some specifics in action, I am a mommy with a mission! ha!

I ask that you pray for our families. Their responses and interactions with Karlee have to change for the time being. I know they are hurting as they try to implement these new approaches. Please pray for God to walk with them each step of this as well. We have gotten a tremendous support system in place. These therapist and specialists are so available for us and are truly working at creating a plan that fits our family and will allow Karlee to experience success. We are so thankful for these professionals and for our family and friends that are so kind to call and check on us and walk with us through this. We can not make it without that!

Right now, Karlee will not allow me to rock her. She makes no eye contact with me and makes it very known that she hates for me to hold her, etc. She tells me she doesn't like me and that I am hurting her and that I stink! Drew and I have gotten a lot of humor out of that.

You know, I was thinking the other day. Sometimes God just simply hands you a miracle. Other times, you have to enter a fiery furnace like in Daniel to receive the miracle. And you know, a friend shared with me last night- I bet you remember the fiery furnace miracles much longer. Looking back on my life, that has been so true. We believe we will see a miracle. And just like the 3 men in Daniel, we may have to step in a blazing furnace, but we will come out of it unburned. We will see the miracle. One day, our little girl will say mama and truly know the meaning of it. One day, our little girl will get in my lap and just melt as I rock her. One day, I won't stink....